What Al Gore Doesn't Want You to Know.

You all are going to have to stay with me on this one.

I had a friend call me the other day with a problem. It seems that, over the past few months, his under-arm antiperspirant had begun failing him earlier and earlier in the day. He was frustrated by it and was about to undertake a quest for a new, more effective deodorant.

He was shocked when I told him that was the worst thing he could do.

You see, what many people don't realize is how body odor works; most people just think that sweat stinks. In fact, the truth is much more complex . . . and much more horrifying.

Sweat is typically produced in glands at the base of a hair. When a drop of sweat is secreted, a tiny, tiny bit of fat is exuded with it-- several drops of sweat over a period of hours and you are talking a fairly serious little pile of fat bits lying there on your body. Unless you wash frequently (I am talking OCD frequently here) the bits of fat begin doing what all bits of fat do in a warm, moist environment--rotting.

This is where things get really fun. At this point in the process, bacteria from all over your body swoop in and begin feasting on the rotting bits of fat, and having "young" who also begin feasting on the rotting bits of fat and having more young.

Body odor is the combined aroma of rotting fat and multiplying bacteria.

This is just the sort of grossness that antiperspirant and deodorant were invented to prevent us from having to deal with. The chemicals in the stick or spray or, now, gel are included for their bacteria-killing, fat-preserving, stink-cloaking properties. And for years, generations really, this has been working fairly well.

But when my friend called me to tell me of his plight, I realized something. I realized that I, too, have, after using a certain brand of deodorant for a couple of years, found it to be ineffective against my, er, ripeness. I realized that for the 2 or 3 or more generations of humans that have been using deodorant there have been, literally, millions, perhaps billions, of generation of armpit-inhabiting bacteria sustaining themselves on a sweat-borne smorgasboard of fat bits. I began to tremble as I came grips with the fact thatwhile deodorant has been killing off maybe 98% of these bacteria, those were only the weak ones.

The rest, the ones that produced that distant, can't-quite-put-my-nostrils-on-it B.O. undercurrent that is just behind the 'fresh sea breeze" scent of your Speed Stick, are mutating into monsters-- organisms that are increasingly resistant to the drug-store resources made available to mankind by Mennen.

In fact, the chemicals thrown at them in an attempt to maintain a polite, odor-free society will, ultimately, have the exact opposite effect. You see, my friends, as early as 10 years from now, as these bacteria get more and more invincible, there may be no more new chemicals to kill them or mask the stench of the fat-filled, micro-organism pool-party you call your underarm.

We will have reached what I call the final tipping point.

Tthere will, ineviteably, come nay-sayer wags citing fuzzy statistics about the cycles of body-odor intensity and predicting such fancies as "self-correction", but the majority of the data shows that there will be no returning from that point. The bacteria, and the resulting rankness, will be unstoppable.

The family unit, its members no longer able to stand the noisesome torment of living in the same house, will break down. Business relations will be unmaintainable. Outdoors, one will be forced to sample the combined reek of every person in the neighborhood. Indoors, even those living alone will be confined with their own fetid contribution to that collective coctail. Society will crumble.

Yes, when that day comes, every man, woman, and child alive will face the consequences of humankind's irresponsible use of our chemical resources.

And that day, my friends, will indeed come unless you act today.

What can you do to avert such a global disaster? The answer is quite simple. Toss that deodorant in the trash. Turn off the anti-perspirant commercial. Wash thoroughly and frequently, but, for humanity's sake, don't apply a chemical to your body! It could be the ruin of us all.

Yes, these bold necessities will bring some negative consequences. You might occassionally catch a whiff of the person in the cubicle to your left; the terms and manner of romance in your life might radically change, and the world will probably stink a little bit more in general. But really, isn't that a small price to pay for averting all-out stench that lasts forever?

Why, you may ask, why have you not heard of this problem? The answer is that Big Deodorant has paid Algore to blather on about such distracting craziness as catastrophic climate change, but, as I am sure you are aware, you will always get the real story here.